Diary, Sept 21st

Hazem Mahdi
Diary, Sept. 21st
Senior Project

I went through various experiences the past week going through photos of my childhood trying to dig out as much memory as i can from the past that i had forgotten. At first i wasn't sure how helpful these photos would be, but i was really happy knowing my parents managed to pull of some shots of me and whoever i was at that time portrayed in their vision.

I felt like i was revisiting my lost childhood, it felt nice and warm at first. The more i realised there weren't enough photos of me like my brothers and sister the more i felt detached and frustrated that i can never know my self as well as they could. So i started off first by forcing my self in photos like a ghost, and that destroyed me completely. I was sort of creating my own memories but knowing they weren't true or not sure if they were true got to me really strong. I started to doubt if this project was going to end up right were i started or will it really help me explore at least 5 random years of my early life.

The visuals developed from how i would try to remember things on my own, i superimposed images on top of each other trying to depict how difficult it is to see through what was there, what wasn't and what could possible be there. I think it was a good approach to how my mind works, sometimes i can see so many clear things that are so trivial and the important things are just lost in layers of trivialities. I pushed for more and more responses as many as i could get in the time i had.

My next step was blowing my self out, since i don't remember being there at that moment in time, even though the photograph proves it but flash from the shots could have blown me out, or the strange lens flares so that person I'm trying to reach out for is lost forever. That wasn't enough though I blew up the images as big as i could and tried to interact with them, not sure my interaction was perfect but my shadow's interaction looked strange. Felt like how hard my mind worked to recap these moments, a big black hand reaching out for images projected on a wall, a wall i end up bashing through when frustration kicks in. Tried the same in video and got the same familiar frustrating feeling but in a different response. Due to certain turn of events the images ended up flashing really fast on the wall, trying to find certain images i had prepared for that slide show that never showed up. Which had the exact same impact on me when i always try to remember something that seems so far away, i know its there but its not showing up due to some technical difficulties or default settings.

I think the directions I'm taking are strong enough and can lead some where since they have that impact on me and the suffering i go through when i want to remember my past. I'm sure more experimentation will introduce different experiences which will hopefully wrap this whole project and my mind around it if i explore hard enough.